The Problem with “Good Behaviour”: Why It’s Not Always a Win

Let’s talk about something that gets a lot of praise… but not always for the right reasons.

You know the one:
"Your child is so well-behaved!”
"She’s so quiet and polite."
"He’s no trouble at all."

And don’t get me wrong - I get why people say it. We’ve been taught that “good behaviour” is the gold standard. That sitting still, following rules, and keeping quiet is the ultimate parenting goal. That if our child is calm and compliant, we must be doing something right.

But here’s the problem:

Sometimes “good behaviour” is just really good masking.

Sometimes it’s our kids pushing down their needs, feelings, discomfort, or distress in order to fit in, avoid punishment, or keep adults happy.

Sometimes “good” is actually code for “not a problem” - because they’ve learned it’s safer to blend in than be themselves.

And that’s not a win. That’s survival.

Masking Isn’t Just Pretending - It’s Exhausting

Neurodivergent kids (and adults too) often become master maskers. They mimic what’s expected. They script social interactions. They watch and copy the “right” way to behave. They hold in meltdowns until they’re home - where it’s safe to fall apart.

But masking takes energy. It burns spoons. It chips away at self-esteem, identity, and emotional safety.

So when I hear a teacher or stranger say one of my kids is “so easy” or “never a problem,” I pause.

Because I’ve seen the fallout.
I’ve seen the shutdowns after school.
The tummy aches.
The meltdowns from holding it together for too long.
The confusion when someone praises them for being quiet, while inside they’re screaming.

People-Pleasing Isn’t Always Politeness

So many neurodivergent kids - especially girls, AFAB kids, and those with anxiety - become expert people-pleasers. They say yes when they mean no. They go along with things they’re not comfortable with. They worry more about keeping adults happy than honouring their own needs.

That might look like good behaviour… but what it really is?
Self-abandonment in the name of safety.

And that’s not a skill we want to reward.

Let’s Reframe the Narrative

Instead of praising kids for being “good,” let’s ask:

Are they regulated?
Do they feel safe?
Do they know they can say no?
Are they free to express their true selves without fear of judgement or punishment?

Let’s celebrate:

Honest communication
Setting boundaries
Expressing big feelings in safe ways
Asking for help
Self-advocacy, even when it’s messy

What “Success” Really Looks Like

It might look like a child saying, “I need a break” instead of pushing through.
It might be a meltdown that helps us understand a trigger.
It might be a kid choosing to stim openly instead of hiding it.
It might be a student gently challenging a teacher because they don’t feel safe.

That’s not misbehaviour. That’s progress.

Final Thoughts (From a Mum Who’s Learned the Hard Way)

When my children were little, I used to chase “good behaviour” too - because I thought that meant my kids were okay. I thought that meant I was doing a good job.

But over the years, I’ve learned to look beneath the surface.
Because sometimes the quietest kids are carrying the heaviest loads.
And sometimes the ones who “never cause trouble” are the ones most in need of support.

So let’s stop measuring success by compliance.
Let’s start measuring it by connection, regulation, honesty, and self-trust.

Because I don’t want my kids to be “good.”
I want them to be happy.
And that’s always worth more than gold stars.

Jody
Neurodivergent mum of 3 | Sensory Oasis for Kids