The Problem With Independence

From the moment our kids are born, we’re told the goal of parenting is independence.

Independent sleep.
Independent play.
Independent dressing.
Independent learning.

And eventually, the big one:
independent adulthood.

It’s presented as the gold standard of success - proof that we’ve done our job well as parents.

But what if independence isn’t actually the healthiest goal? What if the thing we should really be aiming for is something else entirely?

The Myth of Total Independence

The idea that humans should be completely independent is actually a fairly modern one.

In many cultures around the world, communities operate on interdependence - the understanding that people rely on one another for support, skills, care, and connection.

No one person does everything alone.

And when you think about it, that’s how humans have survived for thousands of years.

We work together.
We support each other’s strengths.
We help where others struggle.

Yet in modern Western culture, independence has become a kind of moral benchmark.

If someone needs help, we worry they’re “behind.”
If someone relies on support, we wonder if they’ll “cope.”

But the truth is: none of us are truly independent.

The Hidden Network Behind Every “Independent” Person

Think about it.

The most “independent” adult you know probably still relies on:

• grocery stores
• electricity networks
• transport systems
• healthcare professionals
• friends and family
• childcare
• teachers
• technology

We are all supported by an invisible web of other people. Independence has always been a bit of an illusion. What we’re really living in is interdependence.

Why This Matters for Neurodivergent Families

For neurodivergent kids and the families raising them, the pressure to achieve independence can feel overwhelming.

Parents are constantly asked questions like:

“Will they ever live independently?”
“Will they manage on their own?”
“Will they grow out of needing support?”

But these questions assume that needing support is somehow a failure.

And it’s not.

Some neurodivergent individuals will live fully independent lives.
Some will need occasional support.
Some will need ongoing assistance.

All of those outcomes are valid. A person’s worth is not measured by how little support they need.

Independence vs Capacity

One of the most important things I’ve learned as a parent is that independence should never come at the expense of wellbeing.

Sometimes pushing a child to “be independent” too early can actually create:

• anxiety
• burnout
• shame
• masking
• exhaustion

Instead of asking:

“How can we make them do this alone?”

A better question might be:

“How can we support them in a way that builds confidence and safety?”

Because true growth comes from feeling supported - not from being forced to struggle alone.

The Strength of Interdependence

Interdependence allows people to contribute according to their strengths.

One person might be great at organisation.
Another might excel at creative thinking.
Another might bring emotional insight or technical skill.

When we stop expecting everyone to do everything alone, we create space for collaboration and belonging. And for many neurodivergent individuals, this is exactly where they thrive. Not in isolation - but in connection.

A Different Way to Measure Success

What if success wasn’t measured by independence at all?

What if instead we asked:

• Does this person feel safe?
• Do they feel valued?
• Do they have meaningful relationships?
• Do they have the support they need to participate in life?

Those things matter far more than whether someone completes every task on their own.

From One Parent to Another

As a neurodivergent mum raising neurodivergent kids, I’ve had to unlearn a lot of the messages I grew up with.

The idea that “good parenting” means raising children who never need help.

The idea that independence is the ultimate goal.

What I’ve come to realise instead is this:

My job isn’t to make my children need no one.

My job is to help them build lives where support, connection, and belonging are normal.

Because none of us are meant to do life alone.

And honestly? That’s not weakness.

That’s humanity.