Understanding the Double Empathy Problem - It's Not Just About "Fitting In"

As a neurodivergent mum of three autistic teens, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to bridge the gap between how my kids experience the world and how the world expects them to be. And somewhere along that journey, I came across the concept of the Double Empathy Problem and honestly, it helped everything make a little more sense.

It gave me language for something I’d felt for years but couldn’t quite explain.

So today, I want to gently unpack it with you, because it’s a concept that doesn’t just affect autistic people. It affects all of us.

So… What Is the Double Empathy Problem?

The Double Empathy Problem was first proposed by autistic scholar Dr. Damian Milton in 2012. It challenges the traditional belief that autistic people lack empathy and instead suggests something far more nuanced (and human).

The idea is this:

When people with very different experiences of the world try to communicate - autistic and non-autistic, for example - both sides may struggle to understand each other. Not because one side lacks empathy, but because they’re speaking from different perspectives, using different social codes, and often missing each other’s intentions.

It’s not a deficit in empathy - it’s a mismatch in communication.

It Goes Both Ways

For years, the dominant narrative has been: autistic people need to learn how to understand neurotypical people.

But the Double Empathy Problem turns that on its head.

It suggests that maybe neurotypical people struggle just as much to understand autistic ways of communicating and that’s okay. It’s not about blame or fault. It’s about recognising that mutual misunderstanding can happen and that we need to build bridges both ways.

Here’s an example:

Your autistic child doesn’t make eye contact - not because they’re being rude, but because eye contact can feel overwhelming or even painful.

Neurotypical people assume they’re disinterested, when actually, they’re focused and listening - in their own way.

Two different interpretations. Two people trying. But a moment of missed connection.

Why This Concept Matters

When we assume the issue lies solely with autistic people, we create shame.

We tell our kids (and adults, too!) that they’re broken, or not doing life right, when really, they’re just doing it differently. And if we can shift our perspective, we can move from “fixing” to connecting.

That’s where the magic is.

Understanding the Double Empathy Problem helps:

• Parents show more patience and curiosity
  
  
• Teachers reframe “behaviour” as communication
  
  
• Peers learn to meet autistic people where they are
  
  
• Autistic individuals feel more understood, not pathologised

Science Is Catching Up

Recent research supports this idea. Studies have shown that autistic people often understand each other more easily than neurotypical people do, even in subtle, nonverbal ways. But when autistic and non-autistic individuals interact, the misunderstandings increase on both sides.

This suggests that it’s not a lack of social skill - it’s a difference in social style.

Kind of like trying to sync an Android with an iPhone. They both work, just on different systems.

What Can We Do?

If you’re parenting, teaching, or supporting a neurodivergent person, here are a few gentle ways to honour this idea in daily life:

Listen without assumptions

Ask questions like: “What were you feeling when that happened?” or “What did you mean by that?”
Give space for their version of the story.

Learn their language

Your child might communicate through movement, silence, art, echolalia, or a hyper fixation. That is communication.

Model mutual empathy

Show your child that understanding goes both ways. Share how you feel, too and ask how they prefer to be supported.

Be okay with differences

Not everything needs to be corrected. Sometimes, it just needs to be accepted.

The Double Empathy Problem reminds us of something beautifully simple:

Understanding isn’t about one side doing all the work. It’s about meeting in the middle.

Autistic people don’t need to be changed to fit the world - the world needs to change, just a little, to meet them where they are.

And if we can do that? We’ll all be better for it.

With love and sensory-friendly vibes,
Jody x

Neurodivergent mum of three, founder of Sensory Oasis for Kids