When Back to School Doesn’t Happen

Every January, my feeds fill with first-day photos. Crisp uniforms. Fresh haircuts. Nervous smiles at school gates.

And for many families, it’s a moment of pride and relief.

But for others?
It’s a quiet grief.

Because for some of us, back to school doesn’t happen.

And that doesn’t mean we’ve failed.

When It’s Not “School Refusal” - It’s School Can’t

Let’s clear this up gently and firmly:
Many kids aren’t refusing school.

They can’t.

Their nervous systems are overloaded.
Their anxiety is consuming.
Their bodies shut down before their feet even reach the door.

Calling that “refusal” puts the blame in entirely the wrong place.

This is school can’t - when a child’s capacity is gone, not their willingness.

And if you’re living this, I want you to hear this clearly:

- Your child is not lazy.
- You are not doing it wrong.
- This is not a moral failing or a parenting flaw.

The Quiet Reality of Staying Home

When school stops being an option, life becomes very small, very quickly.

Your days revolve around regulation, recovery, and survival.
Your calendar empties while your worry fills every gap.
And the world keeps moving as if this isn’t one of the hardest things a family can face.

There’s also the judgement - spoken and unspoken.

“Have you tried harder?”
“Won’t they fall behind?”
“They need routine.”
"Why don't you just force them to go?"

As if you haven’t tried everything already.

De-Schooling / Un-Schooling Isn’t Giving Up - It’s Healing

For many families, stepping away from school isn’t quitting.

It’s pausing.

It’s letting a burnt-out nervous system rest.
It’s untangling learning from trauma.
It’s allowing a child to feel safe again before asking them to perform.

De-schooling doesn’t mean abandoning education.
It means unlearning the idea that learning only happens inside a classroom, on a schedule that ignores mental health.

Sometimes the most important lessons happen at home:

• Learning how to regulate emotions
• Rebuilding trust in adults
• Discovering curiosity again
• Feeling safe in your own body

That’s not lost time.
That’s foundational work.

Alternative Timelines Are Still Valid Timelines

Not every child will follow the same path.

Some will return to school later - differently, gently, with supports.
Some will move into alternative education, distance learning, or flexible programs.
Some will take years to rebuild capacity.

And some may never return to mainstream schooling at all.

That does not mean they won’t learn, grow, contribute, or thrive.

It just means their timeline looks different.

Different does not mean broken.

The Shame We Need to Let Go Of

One of the hardest parts of “school can’t” isn’t the logistics.

It’s the shame.

The feeling that you need to justify your choices.
That you need to explain your child’s absence.
That you need to prove you’re still a “good parent”.

You don’t.

Protecting your child’s mental health is not indulgent.
Choosing safety over suffering is not weakness.
Listening to your child is not enabling.

It’s parenting.

If This Is You…

If school isn’t happening right now, I want you to know this:

You are not alone - even if it feels incredibly lonely.
Your child is not falling behind - they are recovering.
This season will not define their entire future.

There is no gold star for pushing through trauma.
There is only the quiet courage of choosing a different way.

And one day, whether school returns or something else takes its place, you’ll look back and realise:

This wasn’t the end of learning.
It was the beginning of healing.

With so much love and solidarity,
Jody x
Neurodivergent mum of three,
Founder of Sensory Oasis for Kids